All posts by J. Ray Rice, ACSW

J. Ray Rice, ACSW is a Social Work with over 40-years experiences in the identification, treatment, and resolutions of unresolved abandonment issues. He has learning, teaching, and training experiences in 18-countries and is available for speaking, lectures, and training opportunities nationally and internationally. All opportunities are welcome!

Do Not Abandon Our Vets!

In honor of Veteran’s Day – 365 Days a Year! To my father and step-father who served in War World II, and to my uncle who served in The Koren War. To Veterans everywhere, thank you!

                      You were there for us and now we need to be there for you!

Survivor Corps

Related Articles:

Abandon Your Prejudices and Support Human Rights!

Everyone needs to be concerned about the social well-being of all. Support Human Right Day 24/7/365!

Turn-up the volume and listen the first time. The second time close your eyes, open your heart, and visualize respect and freedom for all.

Now read these words aloud!

We must begin to look at everyday events, behaviors, issues, and reactions as expressions of how well we are caring for people. You must understand that our thoughts and actions are causing the destruction of people and societies.

Look at how physical and emotional abuse damage people and cause them to act-out at loved ones and society. We must continue to facilitate corrective learning experiences in individuals and in society. We must stop destroying people, because they will just destroy us in return!

We must accept the differences in each other and build upon our strengths and common needs! You have the same rights as everyone else! If your rights are denied, my rights are not secured!

This is why we must resolve abandonment issues by providing corrective learning experiences that teach people how to love and accept themselves and others.

People! Let the people live and let the conflicts die! (Rice, pp. 236-237, 2008)

 

Let’s have a discussion about this topic. What prejudice(s) are you willing to overcome to secure the rights of others? This is the question Lt. Daniel Choi a West Point Alumni is asking President Obama and all Americans!
Rice, J.R. (2008). Thank you for loving me! The psychology of abandonment, healing, and love. CA: CreateSpace

The Abandonment Issues in the Fight for Healthcare

I have written several articles on this blog about how laws and social polices cause people to experience feelings and acts of abandonment. The debate over healthcare reform is an excellent example of that fact. One side is crying that their industry will be killed if you force them to change or if people were given an ‘public option’. America and its citizens has grown on the principle of freedom of choice.

The most important issues is being debated in our generation. The right to affordable healthcare is a necessity in one of the riches country in the world. If you missed President Obama speaking to the joint houses of Congress please take the time and listen to it here!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I support President Obama’s goal of healthcare reform in America. This is why I am posting a link where readers can find a ‘Reality Check‘ to their questions on this issue.

Lying about the facts has been developed into an ‘art form’. Adolph Hitler is quoted as saying, “Tell a lie often enough, loud enough, and long enough, and people will believe you! We have to be smarter than that!

The fight over the “healthcare issues are all about abandonment!” Here are some talking points for this discussion about the fears or acts of abandonment that will resolve in the passage of “healthcare reform.

  • I may loose my coverage. (You are right when you can’t afford it any longer or when they drop you!)
  • We can’t afford to provide insurance for everyone! (Correct, so let the uninsured continue to use the ER, which is the most expense level of care and break the system.)
  • I don’t trust the government! (“We the people..” are the government!)
  • The government is going to set-up death panels and deny us care! (We already have that in managed care ran by the insurance industry!)
  • I don’t want to pay for the uninsured to have coverage! (You already do!)
  • The insurance industry is concerned that their ‘profits and way of doing business is going to be affected’ by having healthy competition in their industry. Please check-out this news clip from MSNBC.

 

A Corrective Learning Experience…Peace One Day

The power of one is in each of us!

I want to change the way we look at life’s events. In the hope of changing the outcome I want to change the focus of the problems to an issue that is overlooked. It is all about abandonment! Every act can create issues of abandonment. Every reaction can create the same, even good ones. Knowing this…what are you willing to do to create a day of peace on September 21, 2012?

This is the challenge that is being placed on you, if you choose to accept it, by Jeremy Gilley…Peace One Day founder and chairman.

Are We Abandoning Common Sense Over Guns?

Are we abandoning common sense over the right to bear arms? I did not want to believe my eyes and ears when I heard a man sporting a machine gun in the area of President Obama’s visit in Phoenix. The man made a disturbing statement that “he encouraged other gun owners to sport their weapons in public so the police can get use to it!” Now, why would we want to do that? Here is that video from CNN.

Here is another man in NH saying “he brought a gun to a meeting so he could be heard!” Chris Matthews asks a question everyone in this nation should be asking. “Just because you have a right to bear arms should you bring it to a Presidential Event? Remember the history of people who had guns around Presidents!”

We do not allow people to carry guns on an airline, so why should we allow people to carry arms to “Presidential Events?” What do we think? Are we abandoning common sense over our fear that our government will abandon or restrict our right to bear arms? I would not feel safe seeing someone walking down the street, walking into a mall, sitting next to me at a bar, walking into a classroom, using the restroom, watching a movie, having a gun in their gym bag or standing in a crowd sporting a machine gun or handgun. Please answer the following question and then continue to read my other post.

 

Analysis the Abandonment Issues in George Sodini’s Blog

I credit ABCNews for all of the quoted text I am using from George Sodini’s blog. I have yet to hear or read an analysis of George Sodini’s behaviors and blog in terms of abandonment issues. I believe it is important to understanding that these events and actions are all about abandonment. Everybody seems to be missing this in their understanding of the events that cause human behaviors. I hope with this analysis it provides a deeper understanding of how abandonment affects us. Then, maybe we can began treating and teaching what is important! George Sodini in his pathology provides this opportunity. My heart goes out to the people that have to heal from the pain and suffering he caused.

Acts of abandonment occurs normally in all forms of human interactions and communications…verbal or nonverbal, spoken or written, passive or aggressive. Each of the following statements are out of George Sodini’s blog. I have chosen the items that would explain best my theory base. I feel we must understand what you are looking at, because we cannot treat what we do not understand! As I wrote in my book, Thank You for Loving Me…history is repeating itself because we fail to learn it lessons.

12/31/08 – “My dad never asked (not once) talked to me or asked about my life’s detail and tell me what he knew.” [We are abandoned even when people we love are alive, simply by them not giving us the attention, directions, and love we want and need.]

12/31/08 – “He was just a useless sperm donor.” [I believe it is safe to assume that in George’s eyes bonding didn’t take place between his dad and himself. He also saw his dad and himself as being emasculated by women. His father didn’t know how to deal with his wife, nor protect George and he felt his father abandoned him.]

12/31/08 – “Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to embarrass me or my efforts when pursuing things, esp. girls early on (teen years).” [Older brothers are most valuable when they protect and encourage. George felt abandoned by his brother for the behavior shown toward him.]

12/31/09 – “Mum – The Central Boss…Don’t piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household.” [George may have seen himself powerless (emasculated) in relationships with his mother and other women. Unable to talk with or trust women George developed a fear that women would emasculated him by abandoning their nurturing role he saw other men experiencing. I am still waiting for his ‘core abandonment issue’ to surface in future materials or interviews.]

1/5/09 – “Michael Sodini – A Boss…Always the big bully…” [George saw him the same way ‘Mum’ acted, as a bully. One that imposes one’s authority over another and make someone else feel humiliated or worthless. Rage develops time and we have seem the results of this in the personalities of the Columbine Shooting, Virginia Tech, and others murders.]

1/5/09 – “Sherry – sister – More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her control of L (Lisa) and D (David) caused a conflict. Never the same after.” [He came to the defense of his niece and nephew whom he liked. He wanted to protect them from what he saw as bully behavior at the cost of his relationship with his sister.]

1/5/09 – “Life is just playing games. One or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same…Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone.” [This was written the day before he was to carryout this planned shooting at the gym the first time. He viewed human interactions as a game that he couldn’t master no matter how hard he tried. He felt abandoned because women didn’t love him and he didn’t know how to get them to love him.]

1/5/09 – “I wish I had the answers. Bye.” [He wanted help, but he can’t ask, nor accept! His sense of self was too damaged and his skill set too low.]

 

Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived…I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advantage of a bad situation and kill jobs necessarily… I would never have a shoot’em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far! I predict I won’t survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. (George Sodini, 4/24/09) [It is clear that George feared that his firm was going to abandon him. I believe his statement suggests that his firm may have been at-risk if they had fired him.]


5/4/09 – “The big problem on my mind is that my job will end soon. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed – nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.”
[He wanted someone to discover his fears and pain. He wants someone to look beyond his surface appears and see the real him. He is also warning us of others who are wolves in sheep clothing. Remember we can’t treat what we lack the understanding of how it looks. Society has abandoned him in not seeing the causes (abandonment) and effects of his behaviors.]

5/5/09 – “I want to do this before I get laid off.” [He didn’t want to have to change his plans at the gym against shooting just women and change it to his place of employment.]

5/18/09 – “Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else. I no longer have any expectations of myself.” [Depressed and abandoned.]

 

I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older women there, out of the blue, asked me if I liked high school. They quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Interesting why she would ask that. But thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me. (George Sodini, 5/25/09)
[Here George didn’t have the courage to ask someone who could read the effects of bullying how was he showing those effects.]


I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something Blatantly wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is.
(George Sodini, 7/20/09) [There is another major unresolved abandonment issues here, but George avoid discussing this event that has affected his ability in trusting women.]


7/23/09 – “I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.” [George’s didn’t resolve the issues that were underlining the behavior, nor develop the skills and attributes he needed to succeed.


The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many others areas. Everything stays the same regardless of the effort I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for over 30 years, I have not. (George Sodini, 8/2/09) [He felt that he has failed. He doesn’t know how to control his life without having control of others, which is model he developed in. This is relationship pattern he knows and he doesn’t have the skills and attributes to achieve different results.]

 

8/3/09 – “Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged by GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid.” [Here George explains why he believes God would not abandon him for his actions.]

 

Also, any of the “Practice Papers” left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others. (George Sodini, 8/3/09) [The best way to analysis George and his actions are in terms of abandonment issues. Unresolved abandonment issues is what we need to be identifying and treating from birth. Resolving abandonment issues will also assist the family members and friends who have lost love ones or harm in George’s actions. Society would benefit greatly if we can learn the lessons here, because they will not stop until we get it right!]


Miscellaneous:

“Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven’t seen her since she was about four months into it.” [This unresolved abandonment issue contribute to George not having sex since 1990 when he was 29 years old. It also reinforce his mistrust of having relationships with women. The date of the last time sexual relationship doesn’t match his 7/20/09 post, but the unresolved abandonment is real if he has a child that he has never bonded with and protected.]

 

My prays go out to the families, friends, and loved one affected by George’s actions. Lets make this a teachable experience for all. It is truly all about abandonment!

Related Article:

The Effects of the Unresolved Abandonment Issues of George Sodini

Copyright 2009 by: J. Ray Rice, A.C.S.W.
Email: jrayrice@itsallaboutabandonment.com

 

 

 

 

The Effects of the Unresolved Abandonment Issues of George Sodini

I offer see searches to my blog on the subject of…the abandonment issues of men! The actions of George Sodini at a gym shooting provides a teachable moment on this subject. I will write more when information has been made public that will identify his core abandonment issues. If you click on his name you will read information from his blog on CNN and here is a second link to his full blog on ABCNews.

Like the other killers I have profiled on my blog I am not excusing their actions, but providing understanding into the dynamics that produced their behaviors. I want you to understand that…its all about abandonment! It is reported that George Sodini wrote that he has not had a girlfriend since 1984 and no sexual relationships since 1990 when he was 29. It is also reported that he hated his mother and women. These events are caused by issues of abandonment.

In my ongoing survey that you will find below… I ask readers to identify their most current abandonment experience…rejection is number one! Our failure to understand the impact that abandonment experiences have on us continues to be overlooked in our behaviors and reactions to life’s events. This is why I have spend my life’s work since high school in understanding the psychology and effects that unresolved abandonment experiences have on everyone, some more than others.

Thank You for Loving Me! The Psychology of Abandonment, Healing, and Loving has been written during a 30-year span of my professional and personal life assisting people resolving their abandonment issues. I hope that you will use it alone with What I Must Give Myself…First to identify and facilitate the healing process of your unresolved abandonment issues.

Related articles (they will open in a new window):

The Common Denominators of Unresolved Abandonment Issues and Guns in Mass Murders

What Is Your “Core Abandonment Issue?”

My Most Recent Abandonment Experience Is?

Abandonment Issues…The Answers To Human Behaviors

Adult Males Must Abandon Fathering Teenagers’ Babies

What Is America’s Most Pressing Abandonment Issue as a Nation?

Should Americans Abandon Their Rights to Bear Arms?

How Unresolved Abandonment Issues Affected Robert Hawkins

Why We Abandoned…’Do Not Tell’…in the Military!

We finally understand and accept that if your rights are denied…mine are not protected!

As a black man who grew-up during the civil rights movement in  America, I am keenly aware of the excuses given for not granting rights.

  • The bible says…
  • You are not white…
  • You are not equal..
  • You are 3/5 of a man….
  • You are not good enough…
  • It has always been that way…
  • You are not smart enough…
  • You are not responsible enough…
  • We do not want you marrying our daughters…
  • You came from an ape…
  • You are black…
  • You are needed to clean my house, raise my children, shine my shoes, and pick my crops…
  • You will drink or eat at the same sources…
  • You will want to vote and have blacks representing you in congress …
  • You are a boy…
  • I don’t want to have to respect you as another human being…
  • You have not earned it…
  • I don’t want you to have any rights, because it take away from mine…
  • Not now…wait!

Soldiers in any branch of service to their country have enough to worry about!

  • Being killed…
  • Being wounded…
  • Being capture…
  • Losing their ability to walk, speak, see, write, think, sleep, hold, eat, drink, hear, control their bodily functions, or have sex…
  • Providing for their family…
  • Loss of job and income…
  • Loss of their place in society…
  • Developing PTSD…
  • Experiencing the loss of fellow soldiers…
  • Being abandoned by their nation…
  • Becoming a prison of war…
  • Not receiving the care their need when they return…
  • Missing milestones in their children development…
  • Growing apart from their spouse, children, and friends…
  • Experiencing a change in their personality or outlook of life…

The last thing they need “is being discharged while being gay!

You are who you are!

Telling someone to not be themselves is stupid and it shows a lack of respect for our fellow human being! The following nations allow gays to serve openly in their army forces:

  • Australia
  • Austria
  • Belgium
  • Britain
  • Canada
  • Czech Republic
  • Denmark
  • Estonia
  • Finland
  • France
  • Germany
  • Ireland
  • Israel
  • Italy
  • Lithuania
  • Luxembourg
  • Netherlands
  • Norway
  • Slovenia
  • South Africa
  • Spain
  • Sweden
  • Switzerland
  • Uruguay
  • And now…The United State of America!

 

When you respect life… you respect all-life!

Not just the ones you prefer!

 


Related articles:


Please take a one-question survey on this issues!


 

Adult Males Must Abandon Fathering Teenagers’ Babies

    “The problem with teens sex is not simply that teens are having sex.”
(U.S. News & World Report, Sins of the Father, 8/6/95)

In the U.S., would you be surprised to learn that teenage boys are not the fathers of the majority of babies born to teenage girls? According to an article written by Steinhauer, (NY Times, 1995), “federal and state surveys suggest that adult males are the fathers of some two-thirds of the babies born to teenage girls!”

Wisconsin provides a clear example. An Executive Summary if truth be told… prepared for the United Way of Milwaukee states, “71% of babies born to teen girls are fathered by adult males over 20-years old.” In addition, if that is not disturbing enough, they found that “42% of the girls younger than 15 reported that their first intercourse was nonconsensual.” In nonprofessional term, adult men raped them! In the NY Times article (1995) “in Chicago 61% of young mothers had been raped.” “In Seattle, another study reported that 68% had been raped.”

The American Bar Association Center on Children and the Law in 1997 conducted an exploratory research into “the responses of the courts and social service agencies to adult males having relationships with teenage girls.” You can read their findings in, Sexual Relationships between Adult Males and Young Teen Girls: Exploring the Legal and Social Responses. They also found, that adult men, not teenage boys, are often responsible for impregnating most young girls.” They identified the problem, but also discussed how the courts, social service agencies, the media, and the communities need to address this epidemic.

 

In Sins of the Fathers (Shapiro & Wright, 1995), they wrote in U.S. News & World Report, “In 1920, for example, 93% of babies born to teenagers were fathered by adults.” Today we should be appalled at the fact that we as a society are looking the other way at an epidemic that is causing far more physically, emotional, psychological, and financial hardship to our children, than the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in TX. How are we as parents of children, brothers and sister of girls and as a society not demanding a stop to our girls being raped and abused?

This ‘statutory rape‘ of our children is causing them and their children to have unresolved abandoned issues. Just read the comments at the end of the ABA reports, here is one:

The reason my mother doesn’t like me to date older men is because my dad was 20 years older than her. And he already had three kids, my third older brothers. She says an older man wants you to cook for them, clean, do a lot of things, but they don’t treat you right sometimes. And she’s afraid that might happen to me. And it did happen…

                                                                         (Elstein & Noy, 1997, p. 30)  

‘Statutory rape’ is causing society unresolved abandonment issues by the adult males who are abandoning their children and the responsible of supporting them, rearing them, and loving them. They deserve the same love, caring, and support all of us do!

Milwaukee is following the recommendations in the ABA report. I ask that the U.S. Surgeon General declare as an epidemic ‘adult males who are committing “statutory rape” or fathering the babies born to teenage girls as a public health crisis. I ask that they work to implement all of the recommendations in the ABA’s report in all 50 states to stop the rape and abuse of our children and their children!

What do you think? Is this a worldwide epidemic? Would you like for the courts and social agencies to do if your child was a victim of ‘statutory rape?’

References

Elstein, Sharon G., & Davis, Noy. (1997). Sexual relationships between adult males and young teen girls: Exploring the legal and social responses. American Bar  Association Center on Children and the Law. Retrieved from www.abanet.org/child/statutory-rape.pdf

Shapiro, Joseph P., & Wright, Andrea R. (1995). Sins of the fathers. U.S. News & World  Report. Retrieved from www.usnews.com/usnews/culture/articles/950814    /archive_032639.htm

Steinhauer, Jennifer. (1995). Study cites adult males for most teen-age births. The New York Times. Retrieved from www.nytimes.com/1995/08/02/us/study-cites-adult-males-for-most-teen-age-births.html?pagewanted=print

United Way of Milwaukee. (2006). If truth be told. United Way of Milwaukee, WI. Retrieved from http://www.unitedwaymilwaukee.org/PDFs/uwgm_TPRexecsumm.pdf