What Is Your “Core Abandonment Issue?”

A “core abandonment issue” is the earliest abandonment event that you can remember as a young child. This event caused you to have feelings of abandonment that have affected your self-esteem, ability to bond, trust, and love yourself and/or others. This event can be resolved presently or it can still be unresolved. Please read this short article first and then vote!


34 Replies to “What Is Your “Core Abandonment Issue?””

  1. Wat if you have severe abandonment issues because you were extremely spoiled and given tons of attention throughout childhood because your parents both worked from home, and so now when your bf even leaves the room, u feel a kind of panic…..That’s my story.

  2. Thank you for sharing your insight and I hope that you will continue to find the site valuable.

    Thank you for loving me!


  3. I didn’t see my first major listed, so I emailed as requested. I read a few comments and I’m wondering if the few who said they had “no issues” are in denial. If not, that’s wonderful, but you may want to re-think it. How does one with no issues behave? How do you grow in a perfect environment? I’ve never met anyone with “no issues”…so I’m just wondering. UNBELIEVABLE! My friends and I all seem to be bound by our similar “issues”. How do you make any friends when you’ve never been there or done that?
    Anyway, this is the best site I’ve found in a long, long time. Thank you so much!

  4. My mom and dad split up when I was young, but I don’t recall it. Dad was a full blown drinker. He stopped coming to see me at about age 7 – 8 I think. He was drinking around me up to that point. I recalled fighting with mom over wanting to see him. I asking him why he stopped coming and did he stop loving me? Wasn’t I good enough? I’m 45 now and I’ve never felt with this. Dad sobered up after I turned 18 and we have put a friendship together. Mom died last year and I’m going in and out of depression. I would like to learn to heal, forgive, and love. I’m a father now and don’t want to pass this on but it’s hard for me to get close to anyone and I mean anyone! I only let people in a little.

  5. Thank you for reading! I only had space to list 20. Please feel free to include it in the next survey.

    Please keep reading!


  6. JJ, please read the other articles on this blog. Abandonment issues are a normal everyday life event. These articles are being written to assist people in coping and growing from these life events. Please feel that it is normal to seek the assistance from a therapist if the need arises. I did!

    The experiences that you have shared on your blog shows your level of strength and problem-solving ability. My hat is off to you and the success that you are enjoying!

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  7. Maybe I typed my email incorrectly.

    But anyway as I have previously said, I believe that I will confront of these issues in the future. Hopefully I will be well prepared to face it by then.



  8. I believe that I am going to face one of them in the future and it’s not going to be pretty.



  9. I am sorry for the pain that you have experienced in your life! I agree that you have learned how to bond. Your writings, the attitude about your experiences, and your insight show that you have developed into a beautiful person. It takes a strong individual to go into therapy in order to heal themselves, improve their self-esteem and increase their interpersonal skills.

    I believe that everybody needs to go into therapy at least once in their life. There is no way anyone can grow-up and not have that process and life events affect them.

                                                When life’s problems seem overwhelming, 
                                                look around and see what other people 
                                                are coping with. You may consider 
                                                            yourself fortunate.” 
                                                                Ann Landers < ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


    I am honored to have you as a friend!

    P.S. You will now have to change what you call yourself, because you are not that person! 

  10. You added me as a friend then, I had to go and check your site out. What a trigger. This issue is at the core of everything. I wanted another survey where I could check the other factors.

    I know my core one is not being wanted. I was suffocated as an infant to stop me from crying. I was neglected and pinched or hit if I cried as an infant. My therapist said that If I could feel depression before I was born then that is where it started. They were married because my mother was pregnant which was blamed on her. My mother was physically abused by my father and left him when I was 3-4; police were involved as well as my grandparents dog being run over in the driveway and killed by my father. He saw me sporadically and was physically and emotionally abusive. Somewhere in elementary school, there were no regular visits anymore.

    Okay, I was neglected, emotionally and physically abused by my father and mother. Mother untreated borderline personality disorder. Father untreated narcissistic personality disorder. Age 4/5 enter step-father narcissistic and sadist who emotionally, physically and sadistically sexually abused me with his father and other men. Oh, was an alcoholic and threatened to kill me.

    Other than those factors, I learned to bond well…just kidding. I keep asking why does therapy take, so long. I know why, but I like denial. It is so painful to look at. Thanks for adding me as a friend…I needed to look at your site and write this…helps it to be more real which I am trying really hard to work on. Hence the blog. Thanks for letting me “talk” here and remind me of why my symptoms are so entrenched.

  11. My heart goes out to you. Your life experience is a perfect example of why each of us must identify our “core abandonment issue,” and resolve it! This unresolved abandonment issue prevents us growing-up with a positive self-esteem. We think that if our parent(s) did not love us what worth could we possibly have to ourselves and others. This things sets us up to fail. We will choose to have relationships with other people who do not value us and/or abuse us. We will not allow ourself to succeed in our goals, because if we were good enough our parent(s) would have loved us the way we wanted and needed to be love.

    People do not understand how easy it is to damage their child’s self esteem. Children are like a blank tape. Whatever you put on it will be replayed for the rest of their live unless they have a “corrective learning experience!”

    My two books that are  being released this year are written and dedicated…”To those who love and those who want to be loved.” Thank You for Loving Me! The Psychology of Loving and Healing and What I Must Give Myself…First have been developed to assist people in these two goals.

    You are a beautiful person with excellent insight into yourself and others! Each of us are the only one that can change the program that got recorded on our tapes. We can’t throw them away, because they are us. An exercise that I found assisted me in improving my self-esteem is the mirror exercise.

    Stand in front of a mirror (3X a day) do not break eye contact with yourself and do nothing but give yourself go, positive comments. No Negatives!   

    Each time you do the exercise add one or more good positive comment about yourself! If it helps write down 20-30 good positive things about yourself and then read them one at time as you look yourself in the eye. It will be common to feel like this is a dumb exercise or you may become angry, this is because at this stage we don’t believe what we are telling ourself.

    Remember, no one can give us what we are not willing or capable to giving ourself! You are beautiful person and you can have that career, but only if you feel you are worthy of it. You are lovable! You have a husband, children, grandchild, and friends that love you. Now it is your turn to love yourself! 

    Thank you for sharing! You are assisting everyone to understand what I am writing about. Please read and comment on the other articles as well. They will assist your healing process! 

  12. I was sick in the hospital when I was two, and my mother said she could not stay with me because she had to take care of the other kids. I decided she did not love me, that I was not important, and that I have no power. I became a compliant pleaser. I had self esteem issues. I became pregnant and married at 17. I abandoned my dream of becoming an artist, divorced an abusive husband at 21 with three kids and went on welfare. I am now 59, and have a great-grandchild from my grand-daughter who is 18. I got a degree in English at age 40, and have no career. My husband supports me. I am still dealing with my abandonment and self-esteem issues.

  13. First of all I am sorry for your lost.

    I am going to start with your last comment first. We grieve the lost of love ones because their death or separation causes us to feel abandoned! I believe we do not treat and heal grief, because grief is an emotional  state. I believe we treat and heal the abandonment issues that we are grieving over. This is what I believe is being missed.

    It is common and normal that you would not remember the impact of your father’s death when you were 18-months old. Please allow me to say that this maybe your “core abandonment issue,” the death of your father. This is why you remember being passed between grandparents until you mother remarried when you where five. Your life had security and you continue to develop and live normally. Like you said when your husband and brother were killed in an accident in 2005 you follow yourself feeling that you could not trust men.

    Your experience and feelings are normal. You father, husband, and brother all died suddenly in an auto accident. It would only be normal to feel that you may have second thoughts about failing in love and trusting another male. When your mother remarried that event provided a “corrective learning experience” for you. Bring yourself to the point of allowing yourself to love and trust another male will provide another “corrective learning experience.

    Yes, you are grieving, maybe for the first time the death of your father. The death of your husband and brother also by an auto accident provides you with that opportunity. You didn’t have that opportunity until the sudden death of your husband and brother to grief for your father. Again, this is common.

    When we have death of love ones in our childhood we do not have the emotional tools or opportunity to process that lost until adolescent or adulthood. So it is only normal for you to think twice, for the time being, of not wanting to become involve with anyone right now. You are grieving. In order to heal and to allow yourself to have another trusting relationship with males it is important for you and anyone to resolve the feelings of abandonment you may have.

    I, personally, feel that it is healthy to seek out therapy to assist in processing these issues and experiences.
    They are normal and I can tell from your comments that you have the strength to resolve these life experiences.

    Please continue to read and comment on the other articles in this blog in your healing process. Abandonment is the key to understanding human behavior. Address the abandonment issues in people and you will find the key to correct human behavior and experiences!

    Thanks again! 

  14. I have no memory of my father dying suddenly in an auto accident when I was 18 months old. I do remember being passed between grandparents and my unsettled mother, finally living permanently with her by age 5 when she remarried. I don’t feel like any of the issues affected me until 2005 when my husband of 20 years and my brother were killed in an accident.

    I now find myself in the dating world again and not feeling like I can fully trust most men. I have feelings of me not being a priority and a lack of full trust. I don’t have issues characterized in not having friendships, I have many friends and a good social and spiritual network.

    I’m just curious as to whether this is truly an abandonment issue, or another part of the grieving process.

  15. Hi! Can I ask you to reread the article and do the exercise contented it in. Sometimes the events are so painful that we deal with them by forgetting them.

    Please reread the article on core abandonment issue and see if the exercise assists you in remembering it.

    Thanks for commenting! I look forward to hearing more.

  16. Very interesting since I’ve always like Psychology and Sociology…

    I had to choose “I don’t know”, because I honestly don’t. What caused my self-esteem problems as a child? I can’t say that any applied at an early age. Perhaps it was simply being different, having different interests, and not feeling I could relate to my peers. Alas, I’m only speculating…

  17. I can relate to this causing one to feel abandonment. I was since to live with my grandparents in another State. I took this as rejection. I didn’t understand that my mother needed to return to work and she needed me to be cared for until I was old enough to attend school.

    Today, parents are making these choices everyday. Even more so with this economic. Parents need to understand that their children sees this as abandonment and they must take steps to reinforce that they are loved.

    Thank you for sharing!!!

  18. The thanks goes to you for sharing! You are an excellent example of someone who has experienced corrective learning experiences.

    Please continue to visit, read, and comment on the articles. Thank you again!!!

  19. I had 4 of these things in my life! My mother was an alcoholic who abused me, my father was never home and he neglected all of us, I was always in charge and basically raised my siblings and then my mother died young by accident when I was 18. I was suprised to see that all of this relates to abandonment. It explains a lot. Thanks for the view!

  20. The way that I have learned to view issues and listen to the concept of abandonment is new to many. It started with my own need as a therapist in training at that time to bring myself professional to a point that I could assist others. You cannot take another person to a point or level you have not reached yourself!

    I believe that everyone has abandonment issues, with our first experience of abandonment is experiencing born! We experience abandonment issues everyday, and resolve many of them. Individual experience all of the life events in the survey and have a “corrective learning experience and resolve their life experiences and grow into a stronger person for them. Some individuals do not have the same skills, attributes, and social network to resolve their abandonment issues.

    This blog and my articles are written to the experience of both. Please keep read and commenting on each of the articles. You are welcome in our learning community!

    Thank you!!

  21. Wow! too many angles, too many issues to consider but I can’t actually relate to any issues above. Although I have met too many people close to my heart who had some deeper issues of abandonment. I could say some rise above it all and became more sensitive and loving person instead of being hateful and pessimistic. That being said is enough to realize that grace itself is unfair…

  22. No! It makes us human. Understanding what we react to in life provides us will a better understanding of:

    • How to communication and interaction with each other
    • How the choices we make in our behaviors impact everyone
    • Why and how we need to treat people when their behaviors and actions become dysfunctional
    • What we need to be aware of when we cause other people to feel the same
    • What our children base their self-esteem on for their lifetime
    • What we have to forgive people for in our lives
    • What we have to understand that most of the time when we have feelings of abandonment that is no about us
    • How governments cause it citizens to feel abandoned
    • How to resolve long standing conflicts
    • And more…

    Thank you! Please keep reading and commenting!

  23. None of the above for me so I pointed on the last option “none of the above…”. Well jotted down points. Keep it up!

    Do visit my site, subscribe, leave comments. It will be appreciated. Thanks

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