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• 8/24/2008 9:00 AM otto ball wrote:
  Abandonment. I was a foster parent had one who came with abandonment issues. Since got out of foster care he was old enough to sign out of foster care. Have had him now two years , he was 16 when he came. We have bonded he is like a son and I am his Father. But he tries to push me away and at the same time he longs for me to stay close. This mixed bag of emotions is so hard for me to deal with. He often tries to hurt me emotionally hoping I won't give up on him like every one else has. Will he ever be able to know I'll always be there no matter what. He took off for a few weeks ended up in county jail. I never gave up on him no matter how difficult he made it. I love he's my son. He is now home with me.
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• 8/24/2008 10:03 AM jrayrice wrote:
  My hat-off to you for being a foster parent. We need more like you! I too have been a foster parent and I know the behavior your foster son is showing. You are right, he is testing you to see if you love and care for him. What children and teens do is test the limits of your love. In their minds they feel that if there parents didn't love them enough to keep them then they are unlovable. This is the behavior most people show when they have unresolved abandonment issues in their background. The last thing you do is to give-up, but you already know that.
  
  Yes, he will settle-down once he sees that he cannot push you away!
  
  In September the 3rd Edition of my book...Thank You for Loving Me! The Psychology of Abandonment, Healing and Love will be sold on Amazon.com. Purchase a copy for him and yourself! This book is written to adolescences!
  The first of two work books...What I Must Give Myself...First! will follow in about a week. Give those as well with the assistance of a good therapist.
  
  His behavior is normal! Your's is insightful!
  
  Thank you for reading and commenting!
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• 8/28/2008 11:45 AM otto ball wrote:
  Thanks for the words he will settle down. I am going through a lot of emotional turmoil of my own with my wife leaving and losing another foster kid who was with us 8 months. So I want to thank you for the words that in time he will settle down. We have gone to a number of counselors and one said it could take years for him to develop trust. It's been two years and he still is testing I often wonder when he will trust me to know that I'll not give up.
  He can be a very good kid, very loving
  and he did great in school last year. This summer he was able to work away for a few weeks and did fine. I know I fail him at times . when he hurts me I feel a need to pull away at times to go for a walk or spend sometime alone in prayer. That to him is difficult for he feels that I'm like everyone else leaving him. He is easily hurt but does not verbalize it. I find out when he says things to hurt me. When I have time to think about the why he said it I realize something I did hurt him. He has a problem communicating it seems he can only talk when he is mad. I keep trying with him. He doesn't want to push me away but when he is hurt he often speaks in very cutting tones. He tries hard not to say things he'll regret saying. But for me even though it is difficult hearing what he says it at least gives me insight into his problem. He has anger issues of his own and I grew up with a hot head of a father so with all this going on it sure gets difficult for us both.
  He got into trouble after my wife left he too left and within three weeks he ended up in jail and this week he got notice of court date oct. 14 so he has more pressure to deal with so I know he needs support love and understanding.
  Again thanks for the words he will settle down.
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• 8/28/2008 2:58 PM jrayrice wrote:
  You are a great foster-father. Reparenting someone else's child takes a special kind of person. Your insight is a gift.
  
  You lose another foster child after living in your home for 8 months. Your wife left you and your this foster-son left.
  Your foster-son left after his foster-mother left because he feels responsible for her leaving. He got himself arrested to punish himself because he feel responsible for you loosing your wife and his foster-mother.
  
  Remember children and teens feel that it is their fault that their parents leave them. These events reinforce their viewpoint that they are not capable of being loved. They are"bad".
  
  Encourage him to talk about how he feels when he goes over being angry/hurt. Ask him if he feels responsible for losing his foster-mother. (Don't make the conversation about you losing your wife, keep it focus on his feelings.)
  
  You are a great foster-father. Don't react. Listen, encourage him to talk about his feelings, and don't take it personal.
  
  John
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• 4/8/2011 7:46 AM flowerbeauty wrote:
  Interestingly enough!
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• 4/24/2011 11:03 AM jrayrice wrote:
  Thank you! Please continue to read.
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