What is Abandonment?
Abandonment has many meaning:
1) A feeling from an act one may have about being given-up by their parents.
2) A feeling of rejection because we were hurt by an action toward us.
3) A feeling of not being loved.
4) A feeling one has when someone does not accept their belief system.
5) A feeling or act of betrayal by another person or group.
6) A feeling a child has when their parents leave them.
7) A feeling when your parents do not pay child support.
8) A feeling when someone is emotional not available to you.
9) A feeling of loss or separation from someone you love.
10) A feeling one has when a love one dies, including a pet.
What is abandonment? Read this!
Posted by jrayrice at 12/15/2007 2:26 PM 
Categories: Theory Base
Tags: conflict safe-haven laws women love war j ray rice terrorism death man marriage family reverend child realtionships building speaker sexual orienatation thank you for loving me abandonment issues what I must give myself first dr. martin king
Categories: Theory Base
Tags: conflict safe-haven laws women love war j ray rice terrorism death man marriage family reverend child realtionships building speaker sexual orienatation thank you for loving me abandonment issues what I must give myself first dr. martin king
Well it's been said that when people are in need and their hearts are good, help can come in coincidental and often mysterious ways. My name is Trey and you actually rated one of my blogs earlier, appreciate that by the way.
The reason for this comment is this. I have a beautiful, brilliant, and naturally sweet little boy. I know that all fathers are biased, but at 8 years old he still would rather play with puppies and other animals than play video games. He is very obviously meant top be a good person because he was just born that way.
I've taken a job in Costa Rica that has more opportunities than anything else I have seen in life. Not just financial ones, but I will be helping to move this country from 3rd to 1st world status. My work is helping thousands of people by setting up technical infrastructure that will help it become a world contender.
But I haven't seen that beautiful little boy in over a year now. I talk with him on the phone and I always reassure him that I am right there when he closes his eyes at night. But a year into it, it is hurting too much. I can't even sleep at night.
I am going back to visit next month for a week, but I will have to return again. Because the pain has become unbearable, I will be repeating this process for some time. His mother and step father are good friends of mine, and will give me all the time with him I can have (bearing in mind school).
My questions to sir are these, how do I help prevent my son from feeling abandoned by me? And when we do have time together, what can I do to make that time better of quality than just spoiling the heck out of him and then leaving again? How do I keep him reassured?
I really am grateful I found your blog, as well as the review you gave me. But this grown man has tears streaming down his face right now, can you give me some advice?
Merlyn Trey Hunter
(World's Worst Father)
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Hi Trey! My heart goes out to you. I hear your pain. You are not the world's worst father. Your love for your son is loud and clear. What I would suggest you do, if your ex-wife has not already done so, is to get a therapist for your son if he needs help processing his feeling after you leave. Feelings of abandonment are normal and occur in all interactions. It is not, in my opinion, possible to not have an eight year old feel abandon after seeing his father for a week after an absence of over a year. If your wife and her husband finds that he is sad and acting out a play therapist may provide the opportunity for him to talk about it.
Your regular phone contact is excellent. If you don't already to so, send him a card with pictures and ask him to send you a card or draw you a picture. Once you have send up the infrastructure you can use technology with your computer and web camera to see your son and talk with. This may reduce both of your pain. He loves you and you love him. It is a lot for your son to accept the distance in miles and time between visits. He may act-out after your visit and that is why I am suggesting having someone for him to talk with if he needs it.
Everyday parents are forced to make decisions like yours' and children are hurt. I know that this is not your intention. Your awareness of the problem is the first step to reducing its impact. Find yourself someone to talk too as well. You are hurting because of your love for you son and not being able to being there.
Best of luck to... The Best Father in the World!
John
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Abandonment is such an intense feeling that I think it's often masked as something else (because the feeling is sometimes too intense for us to identify it). I look forward to reading your articles/posts in the future.
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It would be interesting to see how artistic expressions enhance the therapeutic interventions.
This is a very purpose driven blog that makes a difference!
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Thank you. Thank you so much for this. You don't even know me and you've helped me a great deal.So this was well deserved...
http://www.stumbleupon.com/url/blog.itsallaboutabandonment.com/2007/12/15/what-is-abandonment--by-joseph-mcnair-med--j-ray-rice-msw-acsw.aspx%3Fresults=1#SurveyResultsChart
God bless...
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Thank you for your comment and your review!!! You make me proud.
John
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Thank you! I can't wait for you to see the art in my series of books titled: Thank You for Loving Me! The Psyschology of Loving and Healing. The books have in development for 30 years and the artwork was completed 24 years ago. I am looking to have the first out in Feb. '08.
As far as how artistic expression enhances the therapeutic interventions. it is like adding music to Sunday's service. Let talk about working together!
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Barbara, thank you! As I wrote in your blog you gave me an event to add to my list of abandonment issues - an Holocaust Survivor!
Thank you again!
John
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The feeling of being taken for granted at work. I realise that its human nature to take someone for granted when they go about their jobs quietly, hardly ever complaining and remaining under the radar. All to often employers forget to thank the ones that make their day a better day.
Abandonment without cause after decades of service. I realise that we live in a worker disposable environment. There is always someone to replace the void left by someone after unfair dismissal. Loyality and good deeds done mean nothing to some - regards Peter
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Peter, I hear your pain. As a therapist I found that the hardest thing was to learn to care for himself. I was wanting someone else to give me what I wasn't giving myself, respect. Can I suggest that you do not stay under the radar. You might want to say thing like: I hope that you pleased with my service; can I assist you with anything else?
We don't realize that people don't thank us because we don't give them the opportunity to do so. Don't let yourself burn out, which is feeling like we are not getting back what we put out.
You are a good man Peter. Expect others to acknowledged that!
I total agree that we are living in a workers' disposable environment. This is why we must resolve our own abandonment.
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Hi! My first comment was based on my observations on how others have been treated but I understand what you are saying. Thanking you for your time and effort. It is greatly appreciated.
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Peter, it is you that I thank for teaching me!
John
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Good explanations I understand Abandonment very well
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Excellent!
Thank you!
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Nice !
It was really good ..
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Thank you for your comment!
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This is a feeling more people feel than we really know. It's something that no one should go through but I think we all go through it in some form through life. It's more about how you deal with it that can be the most important issue. Are you a psychologist or have a background in psychology?
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Thank you for your comments. I am a social worker that has been studying and writing on the subject for 36/yrs. I had treated thousands of individuals. You are correct in all of your points.
This is why I am working to show people that what we deal with daily...it is all about abandonment!
Please read and comment on the articles on Robert Hawkins and Andrew Cunanan in their sections.
Thanks!!!
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In reading this blog and comments I am empowered to deal with my current abandonment issue loss of physical ability after a surgery,
First and foremost the comments are so real it allows you to see that you are not the only one overcoming life's challenges.
Today I made a step toward restoring my physical fitness by beginning indept physical therapy. It was painful and physically challenging however, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. With this first step I have begun to measure my outcomes and expectations that I can look forward to.
Knowning that others have deep pain and issues they are dealing with allows me to be strenthen by the fact tha I am not alone. In addition to the physical challeneges I also have to restructure my life since I retired. Thank You for making it real today it is difficult to find straight forward reality. Elizabeth J.
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Elizabeth, as I read your comments, I can feel your pain and see your insight and strength. I will add this to the list as number 280 of examples of abandonment.
You are a beautiful person and I pray that you will continue to have the strength and insight to love and be loved!
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I was abandoned by my father. He didn't disappear from my life completely till I finished my university that meant the end of supporting me. I hate him but love him more and yearned to find him. But the feeling of being abandoned all over again is always too great for me. I was very angry when I was a teenager and that led to many suicide attempts. Later on in life, I always fell into depression each time a relationship (between friends or lovers) didn't work out. I'm 30 now and I have a loving husband. Still struggling at times to come to terms with my father's absence in my entire life. Should I look for him?
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Sherxr, I say yes!
Your feelings and experiences are unresolved. This is what I call, "unresolved abandonment issues". It is my experience that most people have them. If you don't resolve your love/hate feelings for your father and he dies then you are left with this issue resolved for the rest of your life. You insight to the cause of your angry, depression, and suicide attempts are right on target for me. The purpose of me doing this blog is to assist person in understanding that it is all about abandonment. You can't successfully treat one's angry, depression, or suicide behavior without resolve the core cause of the feelings and actions. Abandonment is the core cause!
Please read and comment on the article on Andrew Cunanan for several reasons.
Thank You for Loving Me was the outgrowth of me being in therapy to resolve my issues of loving/hating my stepfather before he died of heart disease. Heart disease was given a new meaning as the disease that was destroying my sense of self and well-being. I too was abandoned by my birth father, but raised by my stepfather. The "L" word was not used in my household and I didn't know that I was loved by my parents as I was growing-up. After his first heart attack I started to have panic attacks because I thought that I hated him for his drinking and abusive behaviors. My mind and body was telling me thought the pain attacks that I also loved him. This was resolved in therapy and gave me the strength to be able to tell him this. It was the most painful thing I had done at the time and it will be painful for you or anyone that chooses to do this. But the rewards far out weight the pain. It brought me the closeness that I always wanted. My learning continued and it took his funeral in the town that I was born to understand his behaviors and lack of communication skills to relate to me.
We take abandonment personally, when sometimes it is just another out-growth of someone's abandonment experiences. This was his case. He couldn't give me what he didn't have. He couldn't take me to a point and place that he had never been. The prose that I wrote to him on the day of his burial took me seven years to be able to read and not cry. Crying releases the pain and that is why some people want to stop someone from crying because they didn't know how to deal with your pain and/or their pain.
I can send you a copy of the 2nd Edition of my book for $21. Please let me know. I am in the process of writing it into a 5-part book series because it has grown too deep over its 36 year history. The 3rd Edition will be released into the bookstores within the next few months.
You have the strength to do this. When you have resolved this issue you will have given yourself a "corrective learning experience". You will feel better about yourself and your father. You will have a more secure sense of yourself and the people in your life.
Best of luck.
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Why do I hate my father? My mum was legally married to him. He did not give enough money to my mum to support me, my brother and the family's expenses. Throughout my childhood, my mum was busy working (she worked from home) and didn't even have time to rest. Now she's 60 and full of health problems.
He told my mum the reason why he walked out on us and had another family (even tho my parents weren't divorced) cos of my mum's temper.
He bought a private house for the other family while mine had to squeeze in a tiny flat till I was 21.
I see these with my eyes. My mum' pain and suffering. Of cos I hated him for inflicting on these on my mum.
When I was 21, he left without another word and without contacting my family ever again.
I love him cos in some part of me I still believe in the goodness in every person. I don't hate him but have not forgotten him.
My brother told me he will take a special look at the orbituary nowadays cos we knew he had several health problems too.
Maybe in my lifetime, this can be resolved if I never see how much pain my mum went through.
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You have answered your own questions.
Our parents are our parents and we love them. It is not a sign of weakness to love them after they have abandoned us. We need to understand why and let them know how this has affected our sense of self and our self-worth. It is not an easy task to confront all of the years of pain that we have watched our love ones expereince and to confront our own pain and angry.
I found that having a therapist to assist us with that process was the best move I could have make and I encourage others to do the same.
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Very good information. I think as a child and being abandoned, it most likely will cause issues their entire life.
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You are so right! All interactions, relationships, and communication can cause abandonment experiences. Even our pets experience abandonment when we leave them.
Please read and comment on the articles on Robert Hawkins and/or Andrew Cunanan for more insight.
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Hmm.. reading this makes me think that I might have abandonment symptoms
I better call my parents, it's been a while since I talked to them
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It the little things that make a big difference!
Thanks!
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I think this is so true. And I think most of us feel abandoned to some degree ... no matter the reality of our lives. And then there are those who have had terrible abandonment ... who sometimes act out so terribly.
Health is so important .. healing of so many kinds and ways. Thank you for raising this important issue.
Thank you so so much for reviewing me ... no one ever did that before - I didn't know you could. Thank you!!
~ Diane Clancy
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Diane, thank you for your insight and your comments. Please do all you can to send people on this site. We need others to understand this issue.
Thanks again!
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I think one of the most underrated but damaging forms of abandonment is when adults say hurtfull little things to children and almost immediately forget they even said it, but it stays with that child for the rest of his life and affect him or her forever. Adults should mind their tongues.
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You are so correct! Adults also do the same to other adults and then ignore their feelings.
It is my goal to assist everyone to understand that all communications, interactions, and relaitonships can cause abandonment issues. The purpose of this goal is to assist people to reduce the damage they do to themselves and others.
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Thank you for your thoughts on my blog. So it's abandonment issues. I think I already knew. Parents were away when I was young. My father, my hero -- I spent years saying goodbye watching him leave for months and years at a time while his work took him across the country and overseas. So of course, naturally I seek out comfort, and safety, and acceptance. And of course, I've found it in a man twice my age, married, with a family, a professor. Okay, so I do understand. No disputing the abandonment. So does it follow you your entire life? Self-destruction?
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Remember the saying that women marry a man just like dad and men marry a women just like mom. I believe that gets played out in the kind of person we seek-out as adults. When our parents are unavailable to us it affects our sense of self-worth. It can get damaged. We may find ourselves seeking out the same kind of person as a mate, one that tells us they love us, but leaves us, because they also are unavailable.
We can give ourselves a "corrective learning experience" by allowing ourself to be loved by someone that tells us they love us and it there for us by being available. We are not locked-in to a self-destruction pattern unless we continue to not allow others to love us the way we want and deserved to be loved.
From your writings and actions anyone can see that you are a loving and caring person. Love yourself first and then allow others to love you! Someone else cannot give us what we will not give ourselves.
Please keep reading!
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I think this site is a wonderful service as an informational center which can be used as an explanatory tool to further the effects of any of the circumstances which are part of the abandonment experience. This is great and I will share with my friends. Thanks for all your hard work!
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Thank you for kind words, warm heart, and strong will. I can't thank you enough for assisting me with this cause.
You are a beautiful person and I am blessed to have you as a friend!
Thank you!!
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Your comments are so helpful. It has taken years to understand that a person cannot give what they do not have or know. While we may have to deal with difficult relationships, all can be learning experiences. After years of seeking love from my parents, I was finally able to deal with knowing THEY were not able/willing to change but I was. Therapy, reading self help books, sharing with friends and blogs like this are very useful tools in making the transition from being a victim to a survivor. I am grateful to you and all my dear friends who I have made my family. Take care and keep up the great work.
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Crisser, most of us go though out our lives never understanding what you experienced. I am happy that you found what we knew about you. You are a beautiful and loving person. I am going to use your comments in the latest article I just posted...Facilitating A Corrective Learning Experience!
Please keep coming back and reading more.
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Good post! thank you
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